First Aid For Someone Who Has Lost a Parent

First Days Aid:

• Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. Be it sadness, relief, guilt, or regret. Whatever. You have permission to feel. Embrace it. Let the emotions come rolling in. Roll with it. Don’t feel guilty if you don’t feel sadness yet. Shock and numbness are common first reactions. When my dad took his last breath, I was numb. Robotic. Empty. I could not process what had just happened.
• Let yourself cry when the reality hits. It will feel like a bad dream. When you wake up, allow yourself to feel the sorrow. The night I lost my mom to cancer, I was scared to go to sleep and wake up to a new reality without her. But I had to. The tears came like waterfalls the next morning.
• Notify your closest circle of loved ones. They will become your support system. Your care team. However, don’t make any social plans if you don’t feel like it. You’ll need a few days to process what just happened and be with your family and a select few.
• Take turns being strong for each other in the family. Now more than ever you need each other. Be there to comfort your widowed parent. They might seem to be doing ok, but underneath the facade they may be crumbling. My mom revealed to us years later after my dad passed that she suffered from depression. We had no idea. I wish I had known. Your siblings need your support too. And you need them. My brother became my rock during our time of grief and I would text him at all hours of the night. Like clockwork, he would be there to comfort me.
• Divide urgent tasks amongst family members. This includes calling the funeral home and notifying relatives. It can be too much for one person to handle physically, mentally or emotionally so share tasks.

First Week Aid:

• Treat yourself. Do some of your favorite things. Eat. Go for a hike. Your mom or dad would’ve wanted you to be happy. Don’t let one thing wash over everything. This means that you are allowed to have happy moments even amongst the sad ones. Don’t feel guilty abut indulging. Let your friends cheer you up! Within the first week that my dad passed, a bunch of my closest friends came over with large bags of Flaming Hot Cheetos. My favorite snack — yummm! I couldn’t stop eating them.
• Prepare for the funeral. Yes, it will be sad and difficult. But it’s also a time to remember the life of an amazing human. Write down what you might say at the funeral and gather photos to share. It might even bring your family joy as you look through old photo albums and tell stories. Also if your family wants to incorporate something non-traditional at the funeral, — DO IT. Forget about the norms. Do it their way. We played a video of my mom’s last opera performance at the funeral. Italian opera at the mortuary — Mama would’ve approved.
• Let your wider social circle know. Maybe this means you or a close friend sends an email out. Or maybe you want to post on social media about your loss. Different people have different styles, so do what is comfortable for you. I found it incredibly therapeutic to post on social media about my loss. The support was overwhelming and people who I hadn’t heard from in years reached out to share their personal experience or heartfelt empathy. Some told me they felt they knew my mom through my posts and cried with me when she died.
• Remind yourself that they live on in you. You are their legacy. They may have left this earth but they live on in your genes. They live on in the way they raised you. They will continue to see the world through your eyes. It’s a beautiful realization to know that they are still very much with you and within you. After we lost our mom, my brother and I trekked the Annapurna Circuit in Nepal in her honor. When we finally reached the highest mountain pass, we knew that she was right there with us, seeing the majesty of the Himalayas through our eyes.

First Month Aid:

• Accept that life has a new normal now. You will desperately want the power to go backwards in time. You can’t. You will think about “the way things used to be” when they were alive. You just lost a central pillar in your life. It’s natural. Adjusting will take much longer. However, now’s the time to recalibrate and accept a new normal. I coped by telling myself that I had to start a new chapter. I see life as a book. My parents were in many chapters but there’s still much left in the book. They will continue to remain in my heart as I turn the page.
• Know that it’s normal to self-isolate or feel bitter. You might just want to be by yourself. Grief can be a lonely experience as each individual’s pain is unique. As an extrovert, it felt weird for me to not want to talk to people, but hey that was my new normal at the time. I felt sometimes like I was on an island of my own, as no one could possibly understand how I felt (I thought). Other people’s social media posts became too much for me. How could someone post on Facebook about Kim Kardashian’s outfit?! Didn’t they know that I just lost the most important person in my life?!!! Who caaaares about celebrities? Lalala…island of my own.
• Do NOT compare the death of your parent to another death. This is a futile exercise. Death does not choose. There is no one “fairer” death than another. My mom died at the age of 68 which is so young, yet my grandma at 93. When it’s time to go it’s time to go. Also, some of us got the chance to say goodbye to our parent with terminal illness and some of us didn’t in a sudden accident. Each loss is different. Don’t compare them.
• Understand that grief is non-linear. You may have heard of the Five Stages of Grief. Some days you will feel totally fine, happy even. You might be out on a bright sunny day laughing with friends and then BAM! It hits you and knocks you to the floor. Sit with it for a moment. Breathe. Know that the sudden force of grief will pass. But know that it will also come back, maybe when a familiar scent fills the room so be ready for it. Triggers are everywhere but that means treasured memories are too.
• Find routine again. Do whatever you have to do to find a sense of normalcy again. If work makes you feel good, then work. It can give you a sense of purpose and a healthy distraction. After I lost my mom, I went back to my client work the next week. I wrote an email to my colleagues at a biotech company and reminded them that the work that we did mattered. We made cancer medicines. Medicine that could’ve saved my mom and so many others.
• Honor your parent’s life. Think of it as the celebration of a life rather than the mourning of a loss. Since we had a private funeral reserved for family only, my brother and I wanted to do something for my mom’s friends and our friends too. A month after my mom’s passing, we honored her life by renting out an entire gallery to exhibit her art. Over 100 people came to celebrate her extraordinary life. You can view our exhibition “Extraordinary Human” here.
• Read about the grief of others. You will know that you are not alone. My book recommendations are: “Option B” by Sheryl Sandberg & Adam Grant (which has a very active online community), “Wild” by Cheryl Strayed (or her articles online about grief), and “The Year of Magical Thinking” by Joan Didion.